When you start feeling like the parent of your 18 year old housemate. But, (vaguely) planning dates gives me something to look forward. Really I just want to cross stitch all day and not be at work.
Home is wherever I’m with you.
When Blair Waldorf says things you think.
Today I caught up with the social work program convener about my conference paper idea. After a long conversation she told that my paper is going to be really important for Australian social work and that I should try and get in published in the journal Australian Social Work. Which is awesome. And I have to write this paper incredibly well. But now I feel a bunch of pressure. Sigh.
I can find a way to do things
I found a way to uni, did some exercise walking here and was early. Win.
I was sitting on the bus wondering why it was so unusually empty when I realised that I was on the wrong bus. And, a bus that doesn’t go to uni, at that. Awesome. Great start to the day.
I want to stop feeling like this.
I just purchased 2 Suzi Q tickets. Yep.
Ambivalence is the most consistent thing I feel these days. Awesome.
Bed/movies/cuddles pretty much beat everything else.
Wollongong is synonymous with ‘Talia getting really drunk’.
All I do is eat. Eat, eat, eat.
Oh Wollongong, I’ve missed you.
I am ridiculously tired, but this afternoon K and I are driving to Wollongong for the queer collectives Homo De Nile party. Masquerade theme. I’m looking forward to our time together in the car. To just be. And I can’t wait to see jess! And probably get ridiculously drunk. Oops. I might need some v and good music to keep me awake on the drive though.
I’m not used to coming home to an empty house. An empty bedroom. It feels lifeless, cold. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my strengths. And as a result, things that are not my strengths. For example, coping with and responding to changed plans (no matter how small or big). I find it very had to cope with and process having plans changed on me. I need plans. I need lists. I need that level...
One day at a time. That’s how I’ll cope. One day at a time.
I never sleep alone. This is weird. And I don’t like it. When you wake up in the morning at twenty to three and you can’t get back to sleep cos you’re feeling lonely, you brush your teeth chu chu chu chu chuchuchuchu chu you brush your teeth chu chu chu chu chuchuchuchu chu.
Bed is a lonely, lonely place.
Sew Talia. Just sew.
When you stumble across artwork from your old housemate, who is now dead, and you immediately start crying hysterically. I am so stable.
On the plus side: mid placement review was incredibly good.
I don’t like many things these days. And the things I like/want/need are infrequent and unattainable. I have my mid placement review meeting thing in half an hour and for the first time on any of my placements, I feel sick with anxiety. I need a hug. I need my heart rate to slow. I want to sleep my life away.
I’m feeling pretty crap about my social work skills and knowledge and placement and blah blah blah today. I feel restricted for no reason at placement and it is crushing myself esteem. I have enough body hate at the moment. I don’t want to be hating on my sw skills too.
For the most part I am glad no one else is inside my head. Sometimes though, it gets a little lonely with all these thoughts.
Notes to self: - Don’t look at photos of friends who have died - Don’t read old emails from friends who have recently died - Stop eating your feelings - you feel sick.
monstersunderyourhead: You know what blows? Asthma attacks. You know what blows more? Asthma attacks while banging. Yep.
When the heater doesn’t provide enough warmth and all you want is cuddles. :( I’m incredibly tired, but can’t sleep. Why did I ever leave bed tonight?!
Pro of driving when going out: I can leave as soon as I need to. Con: I can’t get drunk and these days i can generally only handle being out if I am drunk. This is why I never leave the house.
For some reason I feel guilt very easily. And intensely. I feel guilt to the extent that I become physically sick and am utterly disgusted with everything about myself. I feel guilt about things I shouldn’t, that I have no control over. But somehow I’ve been conditioned to respond as if it is my fault. I think, this morning, I’ve worked out a little why I feel guilt so...
Since Simone’s funeral I’ve been thinking, more than usual, about the conversations I have with the people i love and if I would feel okay if that was the last conversation I even had with them. Today I left the house and didn’t feel okay with the last conversation I had. A text message after is never as good. Sigh.
I have a habit of writing letters I never end up giving to people. This one is different. It is the most honest, important letter I’ve written in a long time. It will be given. But maybe not for a while. (Writing this letter is making me intensely emotional - in a good way. And my brain is racing with things I want to write, but my hand can’t keep up. Sometimes I do wish my brain was a...
Dear eczema, it’s winter, fuck off.
Today I have seriously considered disappearing, a handful of times. I’m not sure where to though. And I can’t ditch placement. And I won’t just bail on my life. Commitment, commitment, commitmet. I can’t break commitment. I just feel like shit. I have no money and my Internet bill gets taken out of my acc tomorrow, and I have to pay at least $150 of my ph bill...
Two songs on repeat in my car.
I think I might start a cross stitch I said I would do months ago.
I desperately want to have an extremely hot bath. I really hate this house sometimes. The memories and associated pain are too hard sometimes. In lieu of a bath I will drink tea and talk with Jack, the puppy, about how I wished she could drink tea so I had a tea drinking companion.